Things I'm Thinking About

Tag: big family (Page 2 of 2)

On the Deck 2008

A day at our cabin in the Boulder Ridge, near Laramie, Wyoming. Back when summertime meant all the kids were home with us.

In the early morning, it’s cool and quiet on the deck. The kids sleep late. Steve gets up first and  hikes up to the promontory overlooking the beaver pond, hoping to see some wildlife. The elk, moose and deer are active in the cover of darkness, but before the sun is up for long, the noise of our family scares them back into hiding. Soon he’s back, whistling a tune and getting the day started.

I sleep in, at least until the coffee is ready, then go out to my favorite chair, barefoot and still in my nightgown. Sometimes I sit facing the hummingbird feeder, the big pine tree, and the distant ridge, but usually I sit facing the other way, looking toward the aspen grove. This is the view I dream of, the one I call to mind when I need a serene image to dwell on–when I’m having dental work done or when I’m trying to distract an upset child from a nightmare. I don’t need a book or anything to do; I am content to sit and soak up the air and the sky and the trees. The air smells like warm pine and loamy dirt as the sun heats up the earth. The sky is clear, bright blue before the afternoon thunder clouds billow up. The aspen leaves shimmer and jump at the slightest breath of breeze, whispering ancient forest words.

It’s not long before the kids start to trickle out of the cabin, across the deck to the outhouse. Some join us on the deck with a cup of coffee, but the stillness of the morning keeps us quiet, enjoying the slow, easy start to the day. The youngest boy is impatient for breakfast and for his brother to get up, so they can start of the business of finding secret forts and having air-soft wars. Oliver, our golden retriever, is restless too, ready for the woods, the animal smells, his all-day running and exploring. There’s a vole or a mouse teasing him in the wood pile, but as soon as anyone stands up and heads for the gate, he leaves his post there and scampers down the driveway, ears perked up, stopping only to look back to make sure we are coming before bounding ahead again.

Once breakfast is eaten and cleaned up, I go back out on the deck again, this time under the umbrella’s shade. The hummingbirds are busy by mid-morning, quarreling and chasing each other in dive-bombing acrobatics that have us squealing and ducking. There’s room for four tiny birds on the feeder, but each one wants it to himself. These green-brown birds, with the iridescent red spot on their throats, migrate by the deck in the summer, stopping for some sugar water when we are here. The boys take turns standing completely still by the feeder, hands resting on the red top, until the little birds forget that they are there and land on their fingers, lighting first with wings still humming, then coming to a rest on the human perch. Sometimes a larger, metallic-gold colored hummingbird arrives and chases all the others away, a beautiful bossy bird we wish would leave our friends alone.

Late morning, it’s time for another cup of coffee, chatting, maybe thinking about a trip into town later, or starting the new book I picked out for these perfectly, gloriously open days at the cabin. There’s no clock on the deck, and I don’t wear my watch or compulsively check my phone like I do at home. The sun, forcing me to move to find fresh shade, and hunger pangs–usually the kids’–are the only time keepers. Lunch soon comes and goes, and then I may take a hike down to the meadow where the giant Aspen tree stands and the spring gurgles up through the grass.  Before long, I end up back on the deck, maybe with a beer this time.

The morning’s stillness has given way to the flurry of a big family, with conversations starting and trailing off as people come and go, playing, arguing, laughing, teasing–busy about the work of the cabin, whether that’s simply relaxing or working on a project. The afternoons often bring clouds, immense thunderheads pushing higher and higher, the tops brilliant white against the blue sky and the undersides dark, threatening rain. If it doesn’t rain hard or hail, I’ll stay out under the big umbrella and watch the storm race through. After it’s passed, the sun is back, the woods smell clean and mossy, and the deck dries quickly.

As the afternoon wanes, it’s time to think about dinner, and after that, a campfire is on the kids’ minds. They are ready for roasting marshmallows and making s’mores. By the time we’ve made and eaten our fill, sang the old favorites, and told the scary stories about Big Foot and the deadly blue mist, the last of the sunset has left the sky. The moon is rising, and the stars appear in the darkening sky. The fire has died down to embers, finally perfect for marshmallows, but we’ve had enough. The fire is still perfect, though, for staring into while talking in low voices in the moonlight.  One by one, people leave, picking  their way back over the rocks and logs to the cabin.

We go in partly because it’s chilly, and partly because the mosquitoes are on the hunt once the smokiness of the campfire dies down. For me, though, it’s mostly because it’s too dark. This part of the Rocky Mountains is home to abundant wildlife–not just moose, elk and deer, but predators like black bear, coyote and mountain lion. During the day, this doesn’t bother me. While I haven’t actually seen them, there’s Boulder Ridge lore about these hunters, and it’s not unusual to see bear or cat scat on a hike, or to hear coyotes  yipping and barking at night. When I can’t see into the layers of black-outlined trees, I’m afraid. The night is thick. I can hear the leaves rustling, their words menacing now in the wind. I imagine something right there, seeing me, haunches rocking, ready to pounce.

My stomach feels tight and jumpy, my muscles ache from clenching. I wish my insides would settle down so I could stay out on the deck, especially on moonless nights, the darkest nights, when the stars–so many, many more than I can see at home in a city night sky–pop out, and the Milky Way is a bright swoosh across the black, star-sparkling sky. I want to sit and soak it up like I do the day-time scene, but I end up scurrying into the safety of the cabin walls and light after only a few minutes, teeth chattering. Our domain, so welcoming during the day, reverts to it’s wild inhabitants at nightfall.

If it’s chilly, we light the cozy wood stove, and bring our reading and games and conversations inside until we are ready to go to bed. We are safe in our snug little home, and another day–my favorite kind of day, in a place I love–is done.

Wedding Time

For three days in early March, I fell in step with time somehow, and it moved at exactly the right speed. It didn’t pass too quickly, causing me to miss out–I felt like I was seeing and hearing and enjoying everything. It didn’t crawl too slowly–I never wished for a moment to pass, I was never tempted to rush to the next thing. The days unfolded at the perfect pace.

It was my daughter’s wedding weekend.

Friday was spent picking up family and friends as they arrived at the airport and running errands to pick up suits and dresses and food. Late afternoon, we walked to a nearby park for the rehearsal, with the sun setting on the bay and shining in our eyes. Afterwards, the festive, talkative crowd made their way back to our house for the rehearsal dinner.

Mounds of food–smokehouse meats, mac and cheese, coleslaw and corn bread–greeted the group, and conversation and laughter soon filled the house and spilled out into the backyard, where there was a fire crackling in our patio fireplace. I flitted from group to group, enjoying snatches of conversation, a joke or a hug here, a few sentimental tears there, so happy to see everyone happy.

Saturday morning, the day of the wedding, I woke to the sound of a text message. It was the bride, awake early, too excited to sleep. She and her bridesmaids had spent the night at a nearby hotel where they would all get ready for the wedding together. “I wish you were here,” she said. Are there any sweeter words from your baby, all grown up now?

The day was busy with more errands; picking up fruit and Cheeseboard pizza to bring to the bridesmaids, getting make-up done, helping with dresses and hair, making sure all the last details were taken care of. I was not much help, really–I was floating through the day, relishing the moments in the knowing, generous care of family and friends. It was like a square dance, tasks being passed, traded, shared, dropped and picked up,  a quick do-si-do and swing your partner. Is there any better way to celebrate a happy event than in this cheerful collaboration?

Then it was time. We were all there: the guests in their seats on the Brazil Room patio, the groom, bridesmaids and groomsmen lined up, the  preacher at the front, the bride at the door, nearly bursting with the emotion of the day. My two sons walked me down the aisle to my seat, and I savored every detail. The late winter air felt like spring, the tree branches above us were white with fragrant blossoms, and the sun splashed over the tree-covered hills in the distance.

The musicians started to sing the processional song, an acoustic version of a family favorite, and memories of all those growing-up years came rushing into the present moment. We stood and turned to see the beaming bride on the arm of my husband, who was biting his lip to keep back the tears, so full and happy and proud. Is there anything more precious–a daddy and his little girl, this father walking his daughter to her husband with no reservations?

It felt like time slowed then, suspended in a curling wave of joy.  They walked to the arch of flowers at the front, the elements of the service unfolded, and the new Mr. and Mrs. danced down the aisle to the excited clapping and whoops of family and friends.

We moved inside the reception hall, with its tall leaded-glass windows and elegant, timbered ceiling, and found our seats at the long tables for the meal. The happy couple came sweeping into the room, all smiles and laughter, their happiness bubbling over and flowing to the guests, that wave of joy breaking and surging  in as graciousness and grand celebration. We ate, we toasted, we danced and danced and danced.

After cutting the cake and the tossing the bouquet and the garter, the bride and groom changed into traditional Nigerian wedding clothes, joining the groom’s family in their colorful, lavish attire. A Nigerian blessing song played while the couple danced and were showered with prayers and money, folded bills tucked into their pockets and headwear and thrown in the air over their heads.

Suddenly, it was time to leave, as if the clock was about to strike midnight and turn us into regular people again. The family and friends who hadn’t left yet bustled around, collecting clothes and shoes and flowers from the dressing room, grabbing gifts, leftover favors and wine from the tables and loading it all into our van. We directed tipsy revelers to safe rides home and said hasty goodbyes.

The newlyweds came to our house late morning the next day, and we lounged in the living room, snacking on bagels, fruit and quiche, drinking mimosas and pot after pot of coffee. Family and friends came and went on their way out of town. There were gifts to open, stories to tell from the day before, and pictures and videos to share. Late in the evening, we drove them to the airport to leave for their honeymoon.

The wedding weekend was over.

Several days later, regular thought patterns began to stir in my brain. I felt like I woke up from a mid-day nap, a haze slowly clearing. I need to do laundry! We’re out of everything–I need to go to the store! Planning, organizing, and thinking about the details of daily life returned, making me realize they’d been missing. I had gone about my normal weekly schedule, but I was unusually peppy and dreamy, sharing photos on my phone and telling everyone about the joyous event. I had been in a cloud of wedding giddiness, a happiness hangover.

As I began to get back to normal, I recalled feeling a similar altered awareness of time before. The way wedding time felt stretched and a little distorted reminded me of the sharply-focused, slow-motion experience of tripping and falling. Every central detail was in full color and high definition, while the background details faded away; every moment seemed packed full of moments. Scientists have theorized that this slow-motion feeling comes from the brain laying down extra sets of richer, denser memories as a result of being in a situation–usually a frightening one–that brings about strong emotions.

In this case, it wasn’t fear or danger, though, that heightened my experience and memory. It must have been the strong emotions that accompany profound family events. We added a member to our family. We saw our child become part of another family. We were surrounded by the tangible love of friends and family. At the center of it all, we witnessed the bride and groom’s obvious commitment and love for each other, free from second thoughts or doubts. It was a celebration without fear. There was only excitement at the future stretching ahead for this new family.

Is there anything more worthy of enjoying and remembering  in slow motion?

 

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving does not sparkle with magic and mystery, or glow with the promise of gifts and wishes come true like it’s holiday partner, Christmas. It is instead a day to be content, to appreciate what is already seen and known. Somewhere between the giddiness of childhood and the practicality of adulthood, I began to enjoy Thanksgiving instead of rushing past it as just another hurdle to clear before Christmas. It was a calm before the frenzy of holiday activity; a day to enjoy for it’s own sake, not for what would be given or gotten.

I was still living at home, and Thanksgiving meant traditional foods, grandparents and cousins, sitting and talking and playing games. I watched my grandmother, mother and aunt cook, sneaking tastes, disappearing when work was needed. When my grandfather began to carve the turkey, I would be at his elbow, ready for any small bits he would offer as he worked. The anticipation and satisfaction revolved  around the meal and the foods eaten only on that day. The gifts of Thanksgiving were received around the table.

My childhood Thanksgivings were spent as a happy recipient of the feast, almost as a guest. Whether by my choice or by design, the work was behind the scenes. I had little appreciation for how it happened that the lavish meal appeared on the carefully decorated table.

My perspective changed again when I had children and began hosting the day at my house. No more gazing into the kitchen in anticipation of delicacies to fill the holiday table.  I became the cook, with splattered apron, pumpkin in my hair, and the scent of stuffing as my perfume. I was up early to finish the pies, make the stuffing and get the bird in the oven. The day flew by as I was making messes and cleaning them up, rotating side dishes in and out of the oven, calling for helping hands and later chasing out sticky-fingered tasters, and then, with a sigh of relief, sitting down, everything done, to give thanks.

As my children have gotten older, they have ventured into the cook’s domain and wanted to help, even taking over a favorite dish. Their joy of eating was enhanced by the preparation, the camaraderie in the kitchen, and the pride of serving something that tasted good. One daughter would work on the pies, another on the green bean casserole, and others on the rolls, jello salad and stuffing.  Some would collaborate on the decorating and setting of the table, pulling the good china and silverware out of the cupboard, arranging the flowers and candles, and creating a centerpiece from fall leaves and persimmons from our tree.

The commotion in the kitchen tends to draw others in, and the jostling, the stepping over the dog and the ducking around sparring siblings–the happy confusion of so many in a small space–tempts me to shoo everyone out. When I stop, take a breath and look around, though, I love the busyness and the laughter.

Another change is upon me now. With only one child still living at home, my house feels quiet and a little empty, and when they all come home for Thanksgiving, I welcome the busy, loud explosion of activity. They come like waves, tumbling in with their bags and the food they are going to prepare and their excitement at seeing each other, dancing around with the dog, flooding the house with life. They come in with the cold, fresh scent of their journey  on their coats and wraps, but they take them off, leave them by the door and settle into being home.

They come hungry for all their favorite traditional foods, but also with new ideas. The sugary yam casserole topped with marshmallows was the first to get a make-over, becoming more about the vegetable and less about the topping. A couple of years ago, my practice of using a roasting bag for the turkey ended when a more ambitious cook found a better way, involving lots of butter and fresh herbs.  Another Thanksgiving, my dry, bagged stuffing went unused in favor of a delicious, from-scratch recipe. Last year, new side dishes free of processed foods were introduced, so the jello and the green bean casserole were replaced by seasonal fruits and greens. I think it is only the butterhorn rolls that remain unchanged.

With so much competence in the kitchen, I find time to sneak off to the living room to sit down and rest, leaving the meal to my opinionated, energetic children, and basking in the happy chatter and laughter. I’m still involved in the process,  but I can see a new era just around the corner. I will find myself again the recipient of the feast, and I will be content to savor these gifts of a life full of love and family.

Did You Plan to Have Six Kids?

People ask me all the time if I planned to have a large family. Just last week, four people asked me this nicer version of their real question: Why do you have so many kids? It’s taken me a while to be able to answer this honestly. No, I didn’t plan on having a large family. The reason I have six children is, to put it simply, I wanted to. They came one at a time, and six times, we eagerly anticipated a new member of the family.

I didn’t particularly love children as a young woman. I babysat only reluctantly as a teen, preferring my own activities to trying to entertain children. I did plan on having a family eventually, like I planned on owning a house and taking two weeks vacation every year. No plan, though, could have prepared me for the experience of having my own child.

I was excited to be pregnant with my first baby. I had been married for three years–a respectable amount of time, one friend recently assured me–when I started to long for a baby. I started having dreams about babies, and thinking about what it would be like to be a mother. Suddenly, I saw mothers and babies everywhere, and I imagined having my own cooing, adorable bundle of joy.

As my pregnancy progressed, I felt like an alien being had taken over my body. My hormones were bringing chaos to my moods, my skin, my hair and my brain. My growing belly threw me off balance in every way. My clothes didn’t fit, and eventually I didn’t fit. Forgetting my new shape, I tried to squeeze by a grocery cart in checkout line in one embarrassing moment late in pregnancy. I was clumsy and forgetful, frighteningly emotional and hungry all the time.

I felt out of control and unprepared. I volunteered to work in a nursery, hoping to get an idea of how to hold and care for an infant. I was not a natural; I was stiff and afraid of hurting this little person and making him cry. The idea of doing this myself was terrifying. To push back the fear, I took classes on childbirth and nursing, read and re-read books on what to expect, what to buy and what to do. I could not really prepare, I know now. This was not merely a lifestyle or scheduling change. It was a transformation.

If someone had been able to make me understand–really understand–what I was going to have to do to birth this baby, I would have said it was impossible. I’m not that strong. There was no choice, though, and the result of my Herculean effort was a tiny, red infant, crying in my arms. I was overwhelmed. I was in love. How could this perfect little person have come from my body? This was a sense of accomplishment and amazement unlike any I’d known. I was witness to a miracle.

A mother doesn’t give life to a child. A mother is host to creation far above her control, an intimate observer, a captive witness. I began to see other mothers as fellow witnesses to the miracle, and children not as miniature adults, but as someone’s baby. This was wild, messy and mysterious, a connection to the world at a deep, basic level. I was dipping my toes into the surging, primal deep, peering into the unfathomable rhythms of creation, and it was intoxicating.

I dove in. One at a time, we were blessed with five more unique and amazing gifts of new life, and fell in love each time. I loved the whole process: the pregnancy, the birth, the babies, the community of other mothers and babies. As our family grew, I loved the dynamic of older and younger siblings, the playing, teaching, helping; the happy busyness. We had so much fun exploring, camping, creating and being together.

There were times, of course, when I was tired and overwhelmed, but my memory of the days when I was consumed with nursing and diapers and school and birthday parties has taken on a gauzy glow of sweetness and kinship that I think is not too far from the reality.

Sometimes I feel like I was greedy to want to prolong my stay in that stage of life longer than most women do. Sometimes, when I’m completely spent, emotionally, physically, or financially, I think I was crazy. Most of the time, I feel grateful.

I’m amazed by the love I give and receive, the incredible, gifted women and men who call me Mom, and the deep satisfaction I experience in motherhood. I could not have planned for this. My imagination would not have been big enough.

Newer posts »

© 2024 Judy Sunde Hanawalt

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑